Thursday, August 25, 2016

Stache

Growing up
I looked forward to the day
that I would shave

So when the time finally came
in junior high
IT WAS A BIG DEAL
as I stood at the sink
in the middle bathroom
and
lathered up a Santa beard of
Barbasol Shaving Cream
and
broke out a brand new plastic razor
and
began to shave

And soon after
a dream began
a dream of growing a mustache
like Coach T at school
Full Fu Manchu

So that by my late teens
I was trying regularly
to grow the perfect stache
IT IS TRUE
Just check out my senior pic
Sport coat
Tie
Big grin
Tiny stache
like a worm crawling across my upper lip
a sickly worm

And I refused to quit

One time
in college
a minister’s wife
came up to me and said
Mike, you give it a good try in about 10 years, and you will look just like Tom Selleck
Tom Selleck!  Magnum, P.I.!
Now in the mustache world, that IS the peak
as I’m sure you know
And this minister’s wife was being completely serious
and sincere
I think

So I pressed forward toward the goal
NOTHING COULD STOP ME
Nothing

Until one day
I met a girl
a really cute girl
who shook her head and smiled and said
Um, no
No stache

Can you believe it?
How dare she kill the dream?!

Which brings me to today
this very day
30 long years later
when I know, FOR A FACT, that I could achieve killer facial hair
and that same girl smiles
and shakes her head
and sweetly says
No, Mike
No stache.